INTEGRITY

My friends and family are a diverse group of people; I embrace everyone because of and despite our differences (age, race, religion, sexual orientation, political party, economic status, education, job status, physical attributes, intellect, you name it!).  Wouldn't we all be depressed and bored if the people we surrounded ourselves with looked like us, walked, talked and thought exactly as we do individually?  How would I ever get a different perspective on things if all I did were listen to people with my same history, education, background, opinion, point of view?  I'm humble enough to know I don't have all the answers and just because something is right for me doesn't mean it's right for the next person.  You can learn from anyone and I try to do that every day.  It doesn't always happen, but I try!

There is one attribute that I wish all the people that  I know, love and share my time with had:  INTEGRITY.  It's not that hard to possess, but I've been discovering over the course of my life that some people just can't grasp the concept, don't aspire to have it or wouldn't know it if it slapped them in the face.  Part of me feels sorry for these people; another part of me hopes Karma steps in gives them what they deserve for all the pain they inflict on those around them.

Don't get me wrong, I'm no saint!  I really shouldn't stand here and judge anyone because I've done my fair share of making mistakes (and, in the end, I'm not the one who's judging others' earthly deeds.).  To err is human, absolutely.  But to knowingly make someone believe things that are not true is called DECEPTION and I just don't have the time or energy in my life for people who lie, connive, cheat, steal, abuse or otherwise deceive for personal gain or to avoid consequences brought on by their actions. 

I don't think I'm better than anyone else.  I'm not saying I've never told a lie.  But I learn from my mistakes, I live my life as honestly and openly as I can, I don't point fingers at others and try to eschew the blame if the mistake is mine, and if I make a mistake or hurt someone by my words or actions I apologize and MEAN IT.  If you come to me and tell me you're truly sorry for hurting me I will forgive you.  (Christians are supposed to forgive even without repentance, I think, but I haven't evolved to that yet.)

If I lived such a deceptive life as the handful of people I have encountered over the last 10 years or so, I would have to work harder at creating and remembering all the lies that are spun in their webs of deceipt than if I just came clean with whatever I'd done!   It's absolutely amazing the time, thought, energy, execution and maintenance that folks put into deception because it really has to encompass all aspects of their lives.  It must be like working two or three jobs.  Seriously, I barely have time to work the semi-FT job I've got and live my boring yet honest life!

And it's awful knowing first-hand (or being one of) the victims of these selfish liars, users and schemers:  kids, spouses, friends, colleagues; the list goes on and on.   The perpetrators don't give a damn about these "loved ones" or they wouldn't lie, cheat & steal to begin with! What's worse is when their loved ones or peers find out the truth and they just accept it in defeat as if there's nothing they can do about it.  They feel trapped, worthless, without any alternative.   I've seen it, I've been caught up in the turmoil of knowing about it but helpless to do anything with the information, and I simply don't understand it.  I can't imagine ever feeling like there's a situation I can't get myself out of or where I couldn't ask for help.  The worst yet is to offer help repeatedly to a victim of someone's abuse, negligence, lies and/or schemes only for them to turn it down with the weakest excuses or none at all. 

So I would just like to say, "Shame on you who are so selfish as to disregard the effects of your actions on those around you!" 

Is your personal gain (money, sex, a job, material possessions, social status, reputation, whatever!) really worth putting your loved ones, colleagues, children, neighbors through the wringer?  (Actually, this is the stupidest question because people who do this don't give a damn about the people they lie to, cheat on, steal from, etc. - they have no conscience.) 

It would be naiive and irresponsible of me to believe and say that there aren't people out there with legitimate addiction problems:  gambling, drugs, alcohol, spending (I'm having issues with the whole "sexual addiction" thing that's so prominent with our celebrity men these days.  I don't buy it.  I think they're just very rich deviants who choose not to practice self control.).  And then there are the pathological liars and thieves; I am sure there are people who simply can't stop themselves from lying and stealing over and over and over and over.  Whether it's an addiction or not I can't say; I'm no psychiatrist. But I'm not dumb enough to believe there aren't just out-and-out liars, scam artists and cheaters who either work the system (i.e., John Q. Taxpayer) to get as much for "free" as they possibly can, or out of their family and friends until they suck them dry financially, emotionally and however else they can.  It's this last group that I just have no sympathy, empathy, general care, concern or time for.  They know what they're doing, who they're hurting and they just don't care.

So I send this statement out into the cosmos... It's off my chest and I feel better having put it out there.  

• If you identify with it, if it strikes a nerve, maybe you need to reevaluate your life and the lives of those around you who suffer the consequences of your actions. Trust me, it's farther-reaching than you imagine. 
• If you just don't get it you're most likely one of the people I'm talking about!
• If you think I'm over-the-top, well, you haven't experienced my life, seen the destruction and pain these kinds of people cause and you haven't felt powerless to help those affected by the actions of these selfish people. 

Because of the experiences I've had I'm way less likely to trust new friends, more apt to keep my distance and live a lonelier existence so that I don't get hurt, used or made to look like a fool.  (I can do that all by myself, thank you.)  And that's a shame. 

God help those who seek help for their selfish and destructive behavior.  Help is out there in all varieties, forms, shapes and sizes, people just need to look for it, ask for it and take it.  And may they find the courage to stand up and do what's right, correct their mistakes, tell the truth, apologize to the the people they've taken advantage of, hurt, lied to, and whose trust has been shattered, then go forward living an honest life.   Redemption is an awesome thing; it's freeing and empowering!!

Just remember what your mama told you:  "No one said life is fair.  No one said life is easy."

(Exit stage left with soap box.) 

My Quest Weigh-In Week #3

A big, fat ZERO!!  0.0 lbs. this week.  That SUCKS!!

Okay, on my Facebook I said I was okay with it because I'm trying to lose 2.0 lbs. a week and at a total loss of 6.0 lbs. I'm right on target.  But, in reality I'm UNhappy because it killed my momentum and since then I've not been 100% on target all week, I feel fat, I stepped on the scale yesterday morning (instead of waiting 'til Saturday), gained a few pounds and now I just finished 3 fried chicken drumsticks & about 3 helpings of Ore-Ida Crinkle Cut french fries dipped in ketchup & mayonnaise...  And 2 Screwdrivers.  Can I just say that NONE of those things are on my list of foods that are okay to eat?!!

What is wrong with me?!!! 

Why am I "rewarding" myself (or should I say consoling myself?) with the stuff that's going to make me even fatter, clog my arteries, make my skin break out, make me retain water and, if you had any doubt, make me more unhappy with myself in every conceivable way than I already am?!!   WHY?!!!!!!!  It's this vicious cycle I can't seem to break:  go on a diet, do well, lose weight (or gain weight), reward myself with something delicious (or console myself with something delicious), realize I've fallen off the wagon and just decide to hitch a ride home with the 18-wheeler hauling McDonald's instead of standing up, dusting myself off and getting back on the wagon.  I am weak.  I'm a quitter.  I am worthless.   I feel like a 44-year old married, mother of two (well, actually I AM all those things), fat cow who's destined to be that woman in the picture with her farmer husband holding the pitchfork.  That unhappy couple on the farm who've been together for 50 years.  She's plump.  He's skinny.  Neither one looks happy and I'm sure it's because she gained so much weight after they got married and had some kids and she all she's done is baked pies and cooked awesome dinners (at noon) for her unappreciative husband so he could eat well after getting up at the crack of frigging dawn to feed the chickens, milk the cows, till the land, sew the seeds, harvest the crops, blah blah blee blee blah, and now she's fat, he's bald and they're both unhappy because they don't do anything together that they enjoy, but they won't say anything to each other because that would not be prudent.  They go to church on Sunday, pay their taxes, they don't swear or drink, they've reared their children to be good students, good citizens, members of the 4H and FFA, Girl and Boy Scouts, all the things upstanding, hard-working citizens in a small farming community do.  And they look miserable.

I think that's called projecting.

To be fair, please excuse this scribbling.  My heart is not in it tonight, but my friend was asking when I'd get back to blogging.  I'm inspired by vodka tonight... and my own failures.  My mind is elsewhere, everywhere, stressing on several issues I really don't want to get into right now, none of which are even really important in the grand scheme of things (Girl Scout cookies, camping plans, end of fiscal year at work, my sophomore going with the high school almost to Canada, parents are travelling, medieval banquet, troop meeting and field trip, etc.)

So, I'm going to turn on my electric blanket and watch my NBC Thursday night comedies.  And I'm going to wake up tomorrow and try, once again, to stay (get back) on the path to a healthier me.  Every day starts the same.  Maybe I can be more diligent tomorrow, but unless I get up early to prepare my breakfast, lunch and healthy snacks, chances of me staying on target are slim to none.

Next post:  more coherent.  Next post:  My Quest Weigh-In #4.  Cross everything you've got.  I'm gonna need it.

My Quest Weigh-In Week #2

I lost 2.2 lbs.!!!! 

That's a 2-WEEK LOSS of 6 lbs.!!!

I am super happy with that, especially after my behavior last Sunday when I not only fell off the wagon, but rolled under it, got caught on something and was dragged behind it for miles...  This week's loss just proves that you can have one hell of a bad day of cheating on your diet, get back on the wagon, forgive yourself for what you just did and move on.  That has been my downfall every other time I've tried to diet and it's almost a revelation to me that just because you regress doesn't mean you have to continue on that downward spiral.

I was a late bloomer.  I'm a procrastinator.  I don't get a lot of jokes immediately.  I think of great comebacks a week later.  And it's taken me more than 20 years to figure out how to work a diet.

That Girl

My family and I moved to Washington three-and-a-half years ago.  I maintained my weight for not quite a year and then I started gaining.  (I was still overweight at the time, but within 7 lbs. of my current goal weight.)  Since that time I have gained 30 lbs.  I went from this girl:

to someone I don't even recognize in the mirror.  Honest to God, I can see myself everyday in the mirror and not recognize how much weight I've gained because (1) I don't want to see it and (2) I can't see behind me (and I choose not to use another mirror in order to do that.  Ignorance is bliss.).  My first indication should have been when I couldn't see my feet because my stomach was in the way, but then I just leaned over a little further.

But, when I look at pictures of myself I do see it and I can't believe I've let myself go that far.  I see videos and I can't believe that is my fat ass walking around; and is that a double-chin?  When did I get that?!  Who is that girl?  When did I become that girl?!

I can't believe I'm even posting these, but here they are.  I'm doing this for myself, ya'll.  I'm posting these so that I'm not hiding behind the internet and my far away friends who can't see how much weight I've gained.  My most recent Facebook profile pic is, naturally, a more flattering picture of me, yet not so recent.  It's from the summer, but I've gained even since then.  It doesn't capture me at this moment.  I know a lot of people do that, but I feel like I'm lying by posting a picture that doesn't look like me now.  And that's not the same as posting a picture from long, long ago.  Everyone knows a childhood picture is not what you look like now.  But they can't tell when my profile pic was taken, so they believe that's a current photo.  It's cheating and I feel guilty.

The FB profile pic I just changed it to today is even more of a lie, but it's me with cases of Girl Scout cookies and I'm trying to help my daughter sell Girl Scout cookies.  It's all about selling that cookie from here through March, ya'll.  I gotta do it for the Girl Scouts!

So, here's the other girl that lives in our house.  I really don't like her.  She started moving in a few years ago, but I've told her to start packing because she's no longer welcome.  She's got 'til May 15th and then she's out!

How on earth did I become that girl?  

Oh, right...  by not having any willpower, indulging myself in whatever I wanted and wearing XL sweatpants 8 days a week. 

That girl's only gotten her suitcase out of the closet; she hasn't put anything in it yet.  I think she may still have some laundry to do before she can start packing.  She'll be around for a little while longer, but I'm not going to indulge her anymore on any consistent basis.  I've got almost 8 days of abstinence under my belt and I feel EMPOWERED!

My Quest Weigh-In Week #1

I LOST 3.8 lbs.!!!!!

That's almost twice what I wanted to lose and I am very proud of myself, but not really because of the loss so much as how well I stuck to my guns and made the right choices.  Seriously, it's a huge deal to me that I had:

NO Coke
NO alcohol
NO fast food (aside from the CRISPY chicken strips on my salad last night!)

And I started counting calories, trying to stay at 1200 or fewer calories a day.  My main theme with my eating is "along the lines" of Weight Watchers & South Beach Diet:  portion control, more vegetables, more fiber, lean meats and fewer carbs.  I'm not following either one of these to any degree of the letter, just using them as guidelines from what I remember.

The real challenge starts today because with weight loss or weight gain my mind is a funny thing.  When I'm first starting a diet (which I've done so many times over the last 25+ years I can't even tell you), if I lose weight, I want to celebrate because I feel like I've got some leeway, some room, so I indulge myself, I gain the weight back, then get discouraged and forget the diet.  If I gain weight, I'm depressed and I just say "screw it!," I indulge myself and I gain even more weight and I'm off the diet.  It's been a Catch-22, but no more.  I'm seriously not going down that road anymore.

I just need my other 5 My Quest friends to post their losses, maintains or gains so we can see, collectively, how we've done.  I think this support thing really helps.  It's kept me accountable all week and I love it!!  Has it worked for everyone else?

God Works At Wendy's

Today is Day #7 of my new lifestyle of "healthy living," or "My Quest To Lose 37 Pounds."  I've been doing very well this week and I'm really proud of myself.  No fast food, no Coke and no alcohol for 7 straight days.  But, tonight I had to eat on the run, so I picked the healthiest fast food choice I could think of because they have salads:  Wendy's.  Normally when I go to Wendy's I'm all over that Bacon Cheeseburger Deluxe, Biggie Fries & a Biggie Coke.  But, not now that I'm on My Quest.  If I go to a fast food restaurant, it's all about the salads.  It's damn near like going from smoking a pack a day to sucking on hard candy.  I've never been a smoker, but I can imagine.  I love me some bacon cheeseburgers.

Now, I'm not trying to say Wendy's salads are healthy or healthier than any other fast food restaurant's.  I'm just saying I prefer their salads to the ones at McDonald's, Jack-in-the-Box, Burger King, you name it.  And my daughter said she liked Wendy's new chicken nuggets.  Okay, we're there.

So my daughter orders hers and I get up there and tell the guy, "I'll have a Dasani bottled water and a Chicken BLT Salad with honey dijon dressing."  The picture of it looked delicious with nice crispy chicken strips all cut up on top of fresh green lettuce leaves, a little bacon, a little shredded cheese, tomatoes.. Mmm... It was still going to be "cheating" with the bacon, cheese, croutons & crispy chicken strips, but I was willing to risk it, even though I'm weighing in tomorrow morning.  (Tomorrow is Weigh-In #1.)  I've been good all week!  This one thing isn't going to ruin whatever I've accomplished all week long.

I got our order and sat down at the table.  I took the cover off the salad and..... DISAPPOINTMENT!  There was chicken alright:  GRILLED chicken breast.  Not crispy chicken, GRILLED CHICKEN!!  I didn't ask for GRILLED chicken!  The picture on the menu shows CRISPY CHICKEN; I want CRISPY CHICKEN, damnit!! 

I was just about ready to go up to the counter before I laid a finger on that salad and say, "Look, you didn't ask me which chicken I wanted, and I didn't know there was a choice because your picture shows crispy chicken, and I wanted CRISPY CHICKEN!"  And then I realized...

God works at Wendy's. 

Sexual Chocolate

Is it just me or does everyone else's life seem to revolve around food? 

I just got my hair colored tonight and I remembered the first time my stylist colored it.  My cousin was over visiting during my fabulous hair makeover and she asked what color I was getting.  I told her I'd chosen an auburny, chestnutty, chocolatey color (because I go darker to cover my shiny silver hair - plus, I would look ridiculous as a blonde).   When my stylist (also my cousin's neighbor) had finished her masterpiece and told me my new haircut looked sexy with this beautiful, delicious color, my cousin said in her best Eddie Murphy "Coming To America" impression, "Oooooo, girl, that looks like Sexshul Chocklit!" 

So, after my stylist had created yet another masterpiece with my hair tonight, adding some spiciness to the sexy, chocolatey goodness this time, I wrote her a check and in the comment section wrote, "Thanks for the Sexual Chocolate!"  She just looked at it and said, "They all know me at the bank.... what are they going to think I'm selling?!"

Eh.  Give 'em something to talk about at my bank, too, when it clears.  :)



***Sorry to anybody who thought this was a blog about some Australian cover band or perverse candy.