I Can't Stop Swearing

Multi-tasking is not one of my strong suits.  I can do it, I just don't like to do it.  Not my first choice.  However, with all the resolutions I've made this year, things I need to work on, change, improve, create, begin, stop, learn, etc., it's an absolute MUST. 

I must eat healthier & add exercise to my daily regimen
I must not drink alcohol (on a consistent basis)
I must cut soda, sugars, CARBS from my daily intake
I must spend more time with my kids
I must be more attentive to my husband
I must de-clutter this house
I must then CLEAN the house (on a more consistent basis)
I must make the kids do chores (on a more consistent basis)
I must not sit in front of the computer/TV the second I get home
I must get on the treadmill every day, and
I must stop swearing

Now, that's not the complete list, only what I can think of at the moment.  However, it's pretty comprehensive.  I've hit the most obvious things I need to attend to/focus on this year.  But, I've come to the realization that I can't SERIOUSLY completely give up three of my favorite vices all at once.  Absolutely impossible!  Can you guess?  Yes, I'm sure you can:  eating bad food, drinking vodka and swearing.

Look, I thought about it today and it occurred to me that while I can curb all of these things, I really CAN cut out eating bad food and drinking alcohol.  I've done it before, I can do it again.  However, the swearing thing is tricky...

You see, if I don't swear, what words am I going to use when some stupid idiot cuts me off in traffic?  (That's my biggest pet peeve and I do most of my cussing in the car.)  Or when someone buys a vowel they don't need on Wheel of Fortune?!!  I'm not kidding, I swear at the TV.  I need this crutch, I just can't give it up cold turkey!!  But, I'm sure you're thinking:  substitution.  Yessss, I thought of that.  That's a good way to do it, but not with every word.  I agree you can substitute darn for damn and heck for hell... (or, h-e-double-toothpicks) absolutely, those are fine.  They don't have that sharp edge, though, and that's the whole reason behind swearing, isn't it?  To get that anger out in ONE SHOT!  That's what it does for me, anyway.  Either that or I've got a mild case of Tourette's.

The problem is that the substitutions for S.O.B., sh*t and the F-word simply won't work for me at this time in my life.  Lately, instead of saying S.O.B. I've been saying "son-of-a-biscuit!," and it's worked pretty well, but with my new health regimen that just makes me crave biscuits & gravy right at the beginning of the day!  Not a good choice.  A common southern word sub for sh*t  (my favorite cuss word of all time) is "sugar!" which actually feels good to say (and sounds innocent), but, obviously, not what I need to be talking about because sugar will make me think of chocolate.  And the F-word... well, many people use "fudge" but I don't like fudge, it's a soft-sounding word (like its consistency) so it doesn't feel the same to say it and, again, it'll make me think of chocolate.

So, while I can cut back on swearing, I simply can't quit completely.  Yes, I am a heathen, no I am not a lady, it's completely unprofessional in the work place and totally inappropriate at home.  However... I've had this very bad habit since I was in high school (15-16).  It's almost like I've smoked for 26 years and now I have to give it up cold turkey!  It is such a crutch for me and of all the things I NEED to give up for my health at this moment, this is not the one.